Hello people.
I know I been MIA. I haven't been writing. Not here not on my LJ.
It's funny but I do believe this is the longest I ever been without writing something.
What does this mean?
Have I finally gotten to a place in my life that I tell people things and not just keep things inside me.
Or is it that I have somewhat became a grown-up and do what grown-up's do and deal with my issues head on.
Whatever case may be I can say with all due honestly that I miss LJ. I miss the feeling of writing away your emotions and writing your inner demons away with out a care in the world.

So here is a update...........A overdue one:

In 2 weeks from today I will be in Honduras. The sunny country will have me for X-mas and new years. Tomorrow will mark 2 weeks from tomorrow that I will be saying I do in front of a judge. I will be saying I do to The Kid and I will become a wife to someone. Me...........I...........L-Boogie.

Am I scare? alittle.
Will I run? Maybe
Do I want to be The Kid's wife for life? Hell yea.

So I am packing and am getting ready to leave.
I have a cold right now that is killing me........
My knee is killing me.
My back hurts and I am broke.
With all that said.............

HONDURAS HERE I COME!!!!

I know many complaint about their mothers. Some a little bit, others alot. I also know there are many that don't have mothers that would give anything to still have them in their lives. There are others that haven't spoken to their mothers for years and are fine with that. Then there are those that never met their mother and have a empty feeling inside. I.......folks I still don't know what to think about mine. I know you have read here before about how my relationship with my mother is. Some days nice and friendly. But many more dark and ugly. I....for years I have been trying to figure out what makes my relationship with this woman as complex and difficult as it is at times. We clash and when we do it's hard and fast. I KNOW I DON'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER with my smart mouth and nasty comebacks. But I also have to say she doesn't make it any easier with her take charge and take no for an answer appeal. Whatever the case may be we just don't get along like others do. I won't go into details just another fight between us and we didn't hold back. Sometimes I think I will never be at a level that my mother see's me at. Maybe I am a disappointment even thou I haven't really did anything to her to think that. I don't know.....all I know is.....my mother can sometimes be my worst incounter

Well is set. My flight is book to Honduras for Dec. 19, 2007.
Also by the 20th or 21st. I will be a married woman.
Man did I say that out loud. No just wrote it.
It's funny I have no feelings about it right now.
I am calm like a steady breeze by the ocean.
I have alot to do.
With very little time.
Am I ready?????...............Hell no.
But do I fell ready????.......Yes I am.
The question remains will I go through with it.

The count down begins.....stay tune.

I don't know if any of you remember about The Bastard. It's the motherfucker that molest me for 2 unforgetable years. Well yesterday I told that son of a bitch to rot in hell. He called my parents house last night. I was there because they are in honduras so I was there cleaning up. The phone rings and I pick it up. It was him. I will always remember that bastards voice. That voice whispers in my ears too many times that I can remember it in my sleep. He ask to speak to my father because he was in trouble and needed money. He told me guys are after him because he borrowed some money and never paid it back. Like I really cared to hear this but I told him my father is not here so too bad. He told me if I can reach him to talk to him. I told him no.......hell no really. I told hime I will never tell my father nothing to help him. He said this is a life or death thing. I said that's too bad. Then he siad and I quote "Look whatever YOU think I did to you doesn't not matter now I need help." Can you believe this son of a bitch. What I think he did to me. After all these years I still smell that pig sweat on me and he tells me it's what I think he did to me. I told him I hope they cut your balls off and kill your dumbass. And believe me the next time I see you it will be at your grave where I will spit on it you piece of shit you. MAY YOU BURN IN HELL MOTHERFUCKER....

E DOES NOT HAVE ANY POWER OVER ME NOW.......NOT ANYMORE.

so life lately has been so routine it's making me sick. I work, go home and read. Go to sleep and then I work. everyday all day. I haven't done shit this summer except this past Friday when I went out with the girls clubbing. I haven't been clubbing in like 2 years. I had a ball. Girls hanging out, dress to kill and not paying for any drinks. That's a life. That's a night to remember. I miss those days. Carefree and no worries. Just talking to all the guys and dancing your ass off until your feet hurt and it's time to make it home before the sun comes out. Loved Friday. Hanging out with girls I have known growing up and doing the hell I want to do and not hearing any bullshit about you have a man don't do that. Cursing our husbands and boyfriends out while sipping on drinks that get stronger and stronger. Looking around the room for the sexy guy with the nice smile and lips and winking at him. Just for a minute you flirt forgetting that you decided you wanted to be a one man woman. Hearing the songs that you feel in your heart so loud cause at that moment those lyrics are telling your life story. And guess what you have 4 other females singing along with you.......cause.......they know what you are talking about. They feel you too. Man clubbing with your girls make you forget that your job sucks sometimes.....the kids need school clothes....that that man you married don't help you with shit. You mom didn't want to babysit. You can only do this one night cause you are broke from paying bills.
You see that you still look good to someone else. That the song last night from P Diddy is even hotter that hearing it on T.V. That they have a new drinks everyone is drinking. That you can still kick it to 5 am. That you still have your moves and look good doing it. I had a ball.

For the last few weeks I have trying to set up my vox account and it's keeps bouncing me off or not saving my work. I email the people that run vox.com and they said they will fix it. As you can see with me writing here that the problem has not been solved. So in the mean time I am writing here. Maybe this a sign that I should stay......mmmmmmmmm.............I wonder. Anyway the last few days have been bad ones due to the fact that they deny The kid's paper for a second time. This hit a core so deep inside me that I felt sick to my stomach. I feel knock out by Mike Tyson in his glory days. I can not begin to write the exact words that would describe how I was feeling. In one word if I must..........HEARTBROKEN....

So is there a next step. A second plan.....choice 2........another magic trick up my sleeve. Well people. I don't really know. I love this man and the only thing I want is to be with him. But I feel so beat up and tired. Sick and tired the better feel.

So for now I am just thinking......and wishing that when I go to my house tonight for some great gift from God ....The Kid will be there telling me it was all a joke.

Cross your fingers.....

O.k. so this LJ is dead.
This is the last entry.

My new LJ is named open-view.
If you want to join go there.

I loved this LJ just like all my other one's but my new journal will be the journal I express my life in depth.

It's been fun.

I am slowly wrapping this journal up.
I don't know if I will start a new one yet.
But if I do I will let people know.

BTW Sandy you will not be adding to the new one.

TO THE LEFT..........
TO THE LEFT..........

Now on with the show.......

IF YOU COULD........

1. With just 5 words describe you as a person?

2. Make your own icon what would it say?

3. Have a building in your honor what would you name it?

4. Ask your parents anything what would it be?

5. Have your own business who would you hire?

Well I am off. I am off the weekend so have a great one and see you Monday.

The news of The Kid not getting a vise is still hard to take.
I think about it all the time.
What makes matters worse is the way we----us------talk to each other or lack of talk to each other.
He plays basketball.......all day so he dosen't have to think about it.
I on the other hand just don't talk about it.
I am doing so many things in these last few days just so I don't have to just sit and think about it.
I hold things in.
LOL...I laugh cause what ever I have a opinion about something my big mouth have to state it. So saying I hold things in is kind of funny.
But what I mean is things that hurt me. Things that make me sad. Those things I hold in and not say a word. As much as I would want to tell people how much I am hurting.
How much as I want to buried my head in the ground.
How much anger and pain I have in my heart. I will not tell a soul. I thought I could tell The Kid when I am hurting. But all I do is joke and tell stories. Joke and tell stories.
Tell him about Tyra's bowling.
About seeing Saw 3 Friday night.
About my father getting sick because the doctor's told him he can eat banana's now and he went and ate 20 of them this weekend.
About my eye.
I tell him all of this and not mention my hurt.
Not one person.
But I am hurting.
I know this is only a mi-step.
A bump in the road.
But as much as I keep saying it to myself it always goes back to A HUGE STEP BACKWARDS.